Hinamizawa Hoaxes
by Rather Random
Summary: #3, "I'll be Superman! It's decided. Now, I'm going to take pictures of unsuspecting children."
1. Entry 1

First story - be nice, please. :) I recently got into this Anime/Manga - it was interesting. A bit messed up, but it's cool! -peace sign- This is going to be a collection of one-shots which are trying to humorize the show - it's up to you whether it works or not.

I'm gonna go sit in my corner now.

**Disclaimer: **If I owned '_Higurashi no Naku Koro Ni_', I'd be rich, and I'm not.

**Warnings: **Nothing you wouldn't expect from the show. Really crappy humour, seriously. Lots of Oyashiro-sama. Oh, and aliens. And randomness.

-

_#1. How Oyashiro-sama Conquered The Show_

The Shrine God paced his room angrily. "It's not fair! How come Mom and Dad get to be worshipped and stuff when all I get is - no, I don't even get anything! I'm a God, for Me's sake!"

It was a dark and stormy day in the sky - Oyashiro's teenage adolescent years were getting to him. No worries - this only lasts about a century.

Oyashiro stopped, and a metaphorical light bulb lit up beside his head. "I know! I'll get my own village, and get them to worship me somehow!" He then praised his own ingeniuty, leaving a couple of birds to wonder how the heck a light bulb could have appeared out of nowhere.

_- And that was how the show started. _-

"No, wait, that's not it!" A writer cried. "Oyashiro-sama was a great God, he came down from the heavens - !"

A baseball bat hit him in the head. Writer B held the bat in his hands smugly. "I think I've figured out half the plot." He chuckled to himself evilly. "Now _I_ will be the producer of this show..." He sat down at the desk and dragged a piece of paper towards him and started drawing squares on it.

- _And that was how the manga started_ -

Oyashiro stamped his foot. "Come on, guys, work with me here!"

A small, green, large-headed man-thing shook his large head. "Look, kid, we're not here for your games and stuff, alright? We're here on strict bioterrorism business - no worshipping allowed."

"But I'm a God! They're _supposed_ to be worshipped!" Oyashiro whined. "I haven't even gotten the suffix -_sama_ after my name yet - the writers won't type it until I conquer some village or whatever." He held up a fist. "I'll use my powers on you!"

"Hm, well," The alien, said, crossing his arms and adjusting the cap on his head. "What's in it for us?" He jerked his thumb back at the rest of his gang.

"You get to do your bioterrorism-whatever," Oyashiro said. "I'm just coming along for the ride, dude." He grinned widely. "You aliens are a symbol of peace, right? I believe I can organize something for you."

The alien smiled widely - at least, Oyashiro thought so. "It's a deal."

Oyashiro cackled evilly. _Fame and fortune, here I come. Even those writers can't stop me now!_

- _And that was how the plot started - _

"_What_?!" Oyashiro-sama yelled, throwing his hands up in the air. "I can't believe it! What are they trying to do now?" He crossed his arms sulkily and sat down on a cloud. "Those stupid kids are trying to make me into a parasite bioterrorism thing whatever." He scowled.  
An alien raised a finger. "Uh, Oyashiro-sama, that _is_ what you are. Remember - us aliens?"

"Of course I do! How could I not? You're hanging around every minute of the day. And what's this ridiculous notion of me standing around that girl Rena when she's sleeping? What are they trying to do? Make me look like some sort of pervert?" He snorted loudly.

The alien said nothing, and coughed quietly.

"And the villagers are going insane! And time keeps repeating itself!" Oyashiro-sama stamped his foot. "Mom and Dad never had this sort of trouble - how come I get it?"

The alien coughed again. "Balancing a religion is a delicate matter, Oyashiro-sama. According to your studies in the Private Academy for Power-crazy Gods and Godesses, it states that when making deals with small, large-headed men-things, a bioterrorism crisis will occur in villages with a name beginning with 'H'."

Oyashiro-sama looked at him suspiciously. "Did you just make that up?"

"No, of course not!" The alien held up a thick book. It was leather-bound, and a stream of light appeared from the ceiling and shone onto it. "It's written on page 167. Rule #12B. 'If a one attempts to make deals with small, large-headed men-things, a bioterrorism crisis will occur in villages with a name beginning with 'H'.'"

Oyashiro-sama eyed him suspicious. "Al-righty then." He sighed. "Whatever. I don't care. Next time, I'll make the legend for fool-proof. And then no one will challenge me..." He picked up his remote control. "I'll deal with the writers later. The plot's already messed up - stupid chapters and alternate universes."

The alien sighed. "Oh, this does not bode well for me."

- _And that was how the show ended. - _


	2. Entry 2

It started with a 'Wouldn't it be funny if...?" And then it mutated into something like this. I'm sorry, Rika-fans. XD

**Disclaimer: **I'm running out of ways to say that I don't own it.

**Warnings: **Some swearing, crappy humour, please don't kill me.

**-**

_#2. When Rika-chan Got High_

One day, a rather short, blue-haired little girl sat on the steps to the Furude shrine. Now, one would wonder how the _hell_ could someone have natural blue hair, but that is the way of anime. Just look at Mion.

But anyway. Her name was Rika Furude. Little Rika-chan belonged to one of the Three Great Houses in a lovely, unsuspicious called Hinamizawa.

Now, since the author has no goddamn idea how old Rika is - or, she's too lazy to look it up on wikipedia - we are just going to assume that she is about the age for Episode 14, alright?

Rika had no idea what it was - despite being the fucking reincarnation of Oyashiro-sama. If she did, then this story would not exist, and we would not be discussing this right now.

So there.

Hanyuu appeared beside her. "Rika… my mysterious-cryptic-god's intuition is working up again. I think something's going to happen… Hau." She fidgeted and pulled on one of her horns, which no one seemed to notice in season two of this show. Now how do you explain that, 7th Expansion, huh?

"Oh, don't be silly, Hanyuu," Rika replied, smiling cutely. "Nippa!"

Hanyuu stayed quiet, questioning her mysterious-cryptic-god's intuition. "Hau…"

A bunch of cherry blossoms blew past them, enveloping the girls in a mysterious aura…

"Like hell," Rika muttered. "All they do is get into my unnecessarily long hair. Give up, author, you're worse than hopeless, you're desperate."

Shut up.

Rika stood up. "Come on, Hanyuu. It's time for my afternoon shot to block my abilities which make me special." She lowered her head and her voice turned all deep and past-puberty. "And I _am_ special. My specialness is what makes me what I am, and no one can take that away from me. Not even afternoon shots. Not even shots in the afternoon. Not even injecting liquids into my bloodstream when the clock strikes the twelfth hour."

Hanyuu patted her back. "It's alright, Rika. It's alright." But even as they went into the Furude shrine, Hanyuu still felt as though something would happen - something utterly awful.

"Hello, Rika," Her mother said kindly. "Dr. Irie's here for your afternoon shots - although it is a little late." She looked at the clock worriedly. "A little… _too_ late." A duet of violins played sinister music in the background.

Rika frowned. "What the hell is he doing here? Dr. Irie doesn't appear until four years later."

"What did you say, Rika?"

Rika smiled. "Nothing, nippa."

Dr. Irie held up a syringe. "Now, now, little Rika, if you take this shot, I'll give you a ride in my car."

Rika frowned bitterly. "I don't want a ride in your goddamn car. Now give me the shot or I'll use my powers on you."

"Isn't she cute? Now wait for me until I fill this syringe up and make sure you don't touch any of the conveniently placed liquids and tablets that I leave here in plain sight of a small child."

When Dr. Irie was gone, Rika hopped off her stool and walked over to the table where the conveniently placed liquids and tablets were. She reached up. "Damnit, 7th Expansion, I'll stop swearing if you give me my growth spurt any time soon." Rika used a fire poker - where did she get that from? - to make one of the bottles fall into her hands.  
"Rika..." Hanyuu whispered. "I don't think you should drink that…"

"It's alright, Hanyuu," Rika's voice turned all deep and mysterious again. "I might as well try it before I get my shot - before I turn into one of these average humans… maybe it will prevent it…" She chugged it like she would a bottle of sake sometime in the future.

"Rika!" Hanyuu exclaimed. "Hau… hau…" She staggered drunkenly for a few seconds and fell over.

Rika coughed. "Why the hell did I do that - oh, yeah, to give this pointless story a plot." She giggled and walked around the room. "Hehe, pretty colours. Wait… what's this…?"

Everything turned a weird, glowy whitish colour and a silhouette that looked suspiciously like a girl with two horns on the side of her head appeared in front of her.

"Oh, I wonder who that is?" Rika wondered.

"I am Oyashiro-sama." The silhouette told her helpfully.

"Oh, hello!" Rika grinned. "I never thought I'd say this to you, but I thought you were all scary and stuff - you know. Not like a strange, suspiciously familiar-looking girl with horns."

"… Obviously the author of this story also _forgot_ who Oyashiro-sama really was - and a particularly helpful reader of this story reminded her - although I don't know _why _there actually _are_ readers. Don't worry," the silhouette laughed rather evilly. "The author will get what's coming soon… very soon…"

"… Alrighty then," Rika said. "What's going on here? Am I hallucinating or something?"

"Oh, you're not hallucinating. You're high."

"Really?" Rika 'nippa'ed. "My growth spurt! It's finally here!"

'Oyashiro-sama' shook her head quickly. "No, no, I mean you're _high. _As in what-the-heck-did-I-take-last-night high."

"Oh." Rika lowered her head, and shadows covered her eyes. "I knew it. I knew that 7th Expansion won't be this forgiving to me. But it's _their_ fault - they should know that alcohol isn't good for small children."

Oyashiro-sama sighed. "Fine, whatever. Anyway, listen to this closely. I'm going to give you the power to predict the next consecutive deaths of my curse, alright? Got that?"

"Eh? Yeah, fine, whatever. It'll just feed on my abilities…"

"… Huh. Okay. Now when I snap my fingers, you are going to wake up and the power will be yours. And then go tell it to someone who's _not_ a complete idiot." The strange, suspiciously familiar-looking silhouette snapped her fingers.

Rika woke up. "Wow, that must have been _some_ heavy stuff." She stretched. "Okay, where's my shot?"

Hanyuu flew around her, hau-ing and spazzing out. "Wha-wha-what? What just happened? I just blacked out!"

"Oh, I just had a nice conversation with Oyashiro-sama - no big deal."

Dr. Irie came in, holding a full syringe. "Okay, Rika, I'm going to give you your shot now. Hold still - it won't hurt a bit."

"Yeah, yeah, that's what you said last time - HOLY SHIT THAT STINGS!"

- _A few minutes later. - _

"Rika, it was just a tiny sting…" Hanyuu said as they walked down the steps from the Furude shrine.

"Yes, well, you don't know what it's like." Rika rubbed her arm. "Now I'm going to go wait at a random bus stop to get ready for the actual episode."

"Hau…"

- _And that was how Rika-chan gained her cool prediction abilities. - _

I only have one thing to say.

DO YOU KNOW OYASHIRO-SAMA?

(XD)


	3. Entry 3

I got this idea from a picture - I don't know if it was official or not, but it sure looked like it. It was GOLD.

**Disclaimer: **So far, I've got five dollars. I'm still saving to buy the series.

**Warnings: **Don't expect anything better than the first two. (Cosplayers, I apologize beforehand.)

-

_#3, Because Tomitake is Superman_

One day, Tomitake woke up, like he did every other day.

Except the days when Takano went psycho-God on him. But that's another story.

He put on his glasses and walked over to the window, carrying his century-old camera which almost everyone doubts works anymore.

Suddenly, Tomitake saw a small child walk by his window, clad in a red cape with a giant 'S' on his chest. "I'm Superman!" The child declared, flaring his cape in a rather vain manner. "Nananananananana - _Superman_!"

Tomitake shook his head worriedly. "Kids these days. That's _Batman_." An idea suddenly popped up in Tomitake's head.

… You know, stuff like that don't normally happen after you join a secret organization and take up disguise as a _photographer_ of all things.

Uh, excusing the people who actually _have_ joined a secret organization and have taken false identity as a photographer. That doesn't count.

"That's right! _I'll_ be Superman! And then those kids would be so flattered to be in my presence that I'll be able to take pictures without tearing out my own throat." He frowned. "Now where did that come from?"

Never mind! Tomitake grinned at his own genius. "I'll be Superman! It's decided. Now, I'm going to take pictures of unsuspecting children."

And so, Tomitake went to the nearest huge shopping centre - which was two hundred and fifty six kilometers away, by the way - and bought himself a state-of-the-art Superman costume. The cashier looked at him weirdly when Tomitake told her his plan. Tomitake grinned. He could see a potential follower in this worker - but not now! He had to fly back to Hinamizawa quickly.

The next morning, Keiichi and Rena were walking down the dirt road to the school. You know, like they do everyday. Except on weekends, Wednesdays, Thursdays, every second Monday and sometimes Tuesday.

To their surprise and shock, a shadow flew - leaped, actually - from the bushes on the side of the road.

It was a bird, no, a plane, no, Batman, no, it's…

TOMITAKE!

Or, in other words, Superman. Astride with his treasured camera, glasses without the lens, feminine cape and spandex costume.

"HOLY CRAP! What _is_ that thing?" Keiichi gasped. "OH SHI--! Run, Rena! It's a fucking cosplayer!"

"No, I'm not!" Tomitake protested, standing in what he reckoned was a heroic pose. "I'm Superman!"

"USO DA!" Rena shouted. She paused. "LIAR!"

Keiichi sighed. "It just doesn't sound the same in English." He looked back at the bad cosplayer. "What? Don't tell me you want us to vote for you."

Tomitake frowned in puzzlement. This wasn't according to the plan! They were supposed to worship the ground he walked on - call him names of glory and praise - what was wrong with his flawless planning? _Everyone_ liked Superman.  
"Except the kids in Hinamizawa, it seems." Keiichi said.

Wait - what? Okay, anyway.

Rika suddenly walked up behind them and stared at Tomitake for a few seconds. She lowered her head. "I'm doomed. I cannot possibly win against Fate with these fools… it's all… for nothing…"

"What are you talking about, Rika?" Keiichi asked. "Hey, Rena, you're awfully quiet."

"Oh, Keiichi-kun, that's because the author is having a hard time making me in-character." Rena replied, smiling sweetly. "Since she seems to think that all I say is 'USO DA!'."

Keiichi snorted. "We're all out-of-character here. It's too late to turn back now." He turned to Rika. "I mean, look at Rika-chan. She's supposed to be happy-go-lucky and stuff. _Why isn't she happy-go-lucky_?"

"Oh, the things you don't know, Keiichi," Rika whispered. "The things you don't know…"

Keiichi stared, and shrugged. "Whatever, I suppose it's all explained in Season 2 - and on that subject…" He turned to Super - I mean, Tomitake. "Why haven't you disappeared yet?"

"What are you talking about?" Tomitake flexed his muscles.

Oh, another reason why a photographer disguise sucks. Why would a photographer be bulky? From pressing the button to take a picture?

"You're all just big bullies," Tomitake muttered. He didn't like being ignored - which was what had happened in the last few minutes. He decided to voice his thought. "I don't like being ignored."

"Yeah, whatever," Keiichi said. "Anyway, Rena, we're going to be late for school."

"USO DA!" Rena shouted. "There's still five minutes left. We can still make it."

They heard footsteps coming towards them, and they all looked in that direction. Except Rika, who was still muttering to herself.

"My, my, what do we have here?" Takano said in her usual enthusiasm. "A bunch of school-skippers?"

"USO DA!" Rena shouted. "Author, that's really starting to get old. And anyway, we're not skipping school."

Whatever. Takano looked at Superman - I _mean_, Tomitake, and laughed. "Oh, hello there, Tomitake."

Tomitake gasped as his Superman senses started tingling. "Lex Luthor!"

Takano frowned. "I'm a woman."

"Oh, I know that," Tomitake said rather snappishly. "It's the hair!"

"He doesn't have any hair."

"Well then… then…"

Keiichi put a hand on his shoulder. "Give up, Cosplayer-san. It's futile."

"I'm not a cosplayer…" Tomitake protested weakly.

Rika sighed. "Is the story over yet?"

Rena smiled and her pupils turned into cat-like slits. You know, like in the episodes in which Keiichi goes psycho on his friends' asses. "Don't worry…" She held up her cleaver. "I'll make sure of it…"

Keiichi looked at her warily. "Where did you get that cleaver?"

Rena smiled at him. "Ask no questions and I'll tell no lies."

Tomitake sighed and held his camera. "I guess I'll go back to being a pseudo-photographer then."

"What did you say, Cosplayer-san?"

"Nothing! Nothing at all."

Keiichi turned to Rena. "Let's hurry, Rena. Now, we're really going to be late."

Rena nodded happily. "Okay!" She held up her cleaver. "Now, Author, if you give up the story, there won't be any blood on this cleaver."

Ha! You think I'd fall for that trap? No! Besides, it doesn't even have to be _my_ blood. And I'll never give up the story. Never!

Rena laughed. "Are you sure?"

Positive.

…

OH SHI--!


End file.
